


Counterfeit

by Teyova



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M, iwaizumi is tired of oikawa's psychic bullshit, oibokukuro broship goin on, psych au, they're cops so there's some not super descript crime scenes in here just fyi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-26
Updated: 2017-03-12
Packaged: 2018-05-29 08:04:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6365941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Teyova/pseuds/Teyova
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Oikawa Tooru, bored with his superficial life, decides to put his observational skills to use and gets signed on as a consultant for the tokyo police department, working under head detective Iwaizumi Hajime- the only problem being that he's convinced the entire force his talent comes from being a psychic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. an eccentric who looks good in jeans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which oikawa decides pretending to be psychic is the best way to avoid an awkward situation with an attractive interrogating officer

"They're wrong. _Again_ ," Oikawa added as a matter of fact, and it was so unbelievably, incredibly _true_. How could people who spent years training to become proper investigators be so blind to the truth? Did the police academy really have such low standards that their police force was so sub-par, that they couldn't even catch a murderer properly? Even Oikawa, as someone who never even touched a book on proper investigation techniques (if such a thing existed), knew right away they had caught the wrong guy.

Dead set on proving that Tokyo's police force were inept at their jobs, Oikawa leaned across the couch, over his friends Kuroo's lap, and grabbed his cell phone off the end table. "Are you doing what I think you're doing?" Kuroo asked, draping a lanky arm behind Oikawa and across the back of the couch, so he could lean in and see the number Oikawa was dialing. Oikawa spared him a quick glance before putting the cell up to his ear.

"It would be morally wrong of me to allow a killer to go free and for an innocent man to go to prison."

"Uh-huh. You just want to annoy that detective, don't you?"

"I resent you _and_ your accurate interpretations of my actions."

"Thought so," Kuroo laughed, a lopsided grin taking shape on his face. Oikawa wanted to smack that smile right off, but since Kuroo was regretfully correct in his assumptions, he resorted to stealing the drink out of his hand, taking a sip while he waited for the call to connect. When he finally heard the voice on the other end ask what his emergency was, he slammed his foot on the table in front of him, crossing one leg over the other.

"The police are idiots."

" _E-Excuse me_?"

Sighing, Oikawa pinched the bridge of his nose with his fingers, feeling the start of a headache. "They got the wrong guy," he amended, looking back at the tv and scowling at the news report announcing the arrest in the case. "It wasn't the teacher! I mean look at how he dresses! Anyone this day in age who wears a bow tie and a checkered shirt can only be guilty of murdering fashion, not another person!"

He heard a snicker escape Kuroo's mouth to his right, and he shoved the drink back in Kuroo's face to shut him up. "Look," he said, gesturing to the tv where the news reporter was interviewing the school janitor, and Oikawa could tell just from the man's body language he knew more than he was letting on. "It was the janitor, the Sato what's-his-face. When asked about the victim, look at how uncomfortable he gets! He keeps shifting shifting back and forth, and his eyes are looking everywhere but the camera! Anyone happy to be on tv would be looking straight at it!"

Oikawa could feel his heart beating faster as the adrenaline began to run trough his veins. He loved the rush he felt when working on a case, solving murders despite not actually being a cop himself. Perhaps it was the act of proving he could do what others could not that made him feel so alive.

"The woman wasn't killed because that teacher had some unrequited love for her or whatever. He was a creep, and probably a stalker judging by how fast the cuffs were slapped on him, but he didn't kill her." Oikawa vaguely noticed Kuroo lean forward, his elbows resting on his knees as he examined Oikawa in the middle of his tirade. "If your guys had done their jobs properly, they'd have looked into the janitor and realized the dude's practically a certified botanist. What does this have to do with the murder? I'm glad you asked!"

He rose from his seat and began pacing back and forth, while Kuroo lifted his legs to get out of Oikawa's way. "The woman was the groundskeeper and the science department head," he continued, recalling the information he'd asked Kenma to dig up for him. "Judging from the redness of that janitor's eyes and the chocolate on his fingers, I'd say he was growing something in the greenhouse that's not in the school curriculum. And as the groundskeeper, I'm sure she took notice of a certain extra plant rooting in the soil."

Having finished his explanation with tired lungs from the constant dialogue, Oikawa collapsed back onto the couch, but not before responding to Kuroo's high-five. The woman on the other end was silent for a moment, no doubt in shock of Oikawa's words.

" _Sir, what's your name_?"

"Oikawa Tooru," he answered, handing the remote to Kuroo in order to change the channel now that he'd said his piece. "These calls are recorded, so make sure this conversation gets to the head detective. Tell him I'll be waiting for my consultation check," he added before ending the call and tossing his phone onto the table once more.

Kuroo handed him back his drink. "That was _awesome_ ," he cheered, returning to his previous position of having his legs crossed over the table. Oikawa followed suit, as he heard the sound of his apartment door opening. He listened to the footsteps slowly approach before a body lunged over the back of the couch, falling to the left of Oikawa. Having landed uncomfortably, Bokuto readjusted his position, mimicking the stance Oikawa and Kuroo had taken.

"I brought Doritos," he said casually, opening the bag and handing it to Oikawa while Kuroo gave him a drink behind Oikawa's head. "What'd I miss?" He asked, receiving a cheeky grin from Kuroo.

"Oikawa just crushed a poor cop's ego, and possibly his career."

"Not mine, right?"

"Not unless you ran that recent murder case," Kuroo joked, but Bokuto deflated at his words. He sunk lower into the couch, taking a long sip of his drink. It was obvious to Oikawa that Bokuto knew who was the lead on the case, and that said person would most likely be in a foul mood having been proven wrong by Oikawa.

Knowing that, Oikawa felt an odd sense of accomplishment.

"Anyway, how are you people getting into my apartment?" He questioned, wondering how his friends always managed to get into his home unannounced. If they had made themselves keys he was seriously going to revoke their friend status.

"We know where you hide your spare key," Kuroo said, reaching into the bag on Oikawa's lap and pulling out a chip. Leaving himself a reminder to change the spot the key was in, he glanced back at the tv to see what Kuroo had chosen. "Shark week reruns," he muttered, appreciative of the choice and glad it hadn't yet again been The Notebook.

* * *

Iwaizumi finally shut off the tape recording after the fifth replay, having effectively gotten irritated at how ridiculously skilled this Oikawa guy was. Upon hearig the tape, his chief had instructed Iwaizumi to bring in the janitor for questioning, and sure enough, with minimal effort, the man had cracked and confessed to all of his crimes, included but not limited to the murder. In exchange for turning in his accomplices in selling drugs, his charges would be downgraded and he'd have protective custody until the trial.

With seemingly minimal effort, Oikawa Tooru, who wasn't even employed as a member of the police force, had single-handedly caught a killer, exposed a drug ring (one that extended beyond the kind the janitor had been growing), and cleared an innocent man's name. And that was just the previous case.

Oikawa Tooru first placed a tip to the hotlines a few months prior, and that had started his odd assistance in apprehending criminals- some who were arrested wrongfully, and some who weren't even suspects to begin with. He was making the police department look like a total joke, though honestly Iwaizumi _would_ prefer to look incompetent than have someone be wrongfully convicted while the real criminal went free.

Even so, he had asked their analyst to run a background check on Oikawa (because who could possibly catch so many criminals without being one himself), but to his surprise he'd been told it wasn't necessary. "And why is that," he asked, and the shy analyst swiveled in his seat, keeping his eyes on the computer screens surrounding them despite facing Iwaizumi.

"I know Tooru," he said quietly, the fingers on one hand reaching over to type at his keyboard. With only a few keystrokes, a divers license appeared on the largest screen centered in the room, and Iwaizumi was finally able to see the man that seemed to be leading the investigations the past few months.

Unexpectedly, he was the same age as Iwaizumi, only being one month younger. He was also a few centimeters taller, with a mop of brown hair brushed off to the side in a delicate manner, much to Iwaizumi's annoyance. There was a brilliant smile plastered on Oikawa's face, but Iwaizumi hadn't cared much for the fake grin, only the sense of intelligence he saw in Oikawa's eyes fascinated him.

"You know him," Iwaizumi repeated, glancing down at the tech, Kenma Kozume. He nodded, brushing a strand of dyed hair out of his eyes when it fell. Turning his chair back toward the screen, he typed at his keyboard once more, and Iwaizumi followed his gaze back to the screens, examining the articles and documents Kenma was bringing up.

"He got top grades in school, all the way through university," Kenma explained, pulling up his educational transcripts. "He never majored in a single subject and only went to play volleyball and have something on a resume- a quote from him when he was being interviewed by a reporter," he added upon seeing Iwaizumi's confusion. He put the newspaper article up on the screen, and Iwaizumi glanced through it, noting that Oikawa was considered one of the top setters in Tokyo...

"Anything note worthy?"

"Hm... Tooru has a few certifications, including an A+, but he only got them because they overlapped with courses he took in school. His I.Q. was never officially tested, but I found in a recommendation letter it was believed it was at possible genius level. There's also an expunged criminal record that was sealed by the courts," he mentioned, and Iwaizumi perked up upon hearing the pretty genius wasn't so perfect after all.

"Can you unseal it?"

"I did, though I already knew what it was from."

"And what was it?"

"Drunken laser tag gone wrong. He was charged with destruction of property, but he managed to make a deal with the owner after he was sober."

"And how do _you_ know all of this?"

Kenma let slip a small smile, grabbing a pencil and scribbling something on a piece of paper. "He's a friend of a friend," He answered, handing Iwaizumi the paper with Oikawa's apparent address written down. Iwaizumi rolled his eyes, pulling his own cell out of his pocket.

Scrolling though his contacts, Iwaizumi found the name he was looking for and dialed the number. He waved his thanks to Kenma before stepping out of the room, heading towards the holding cells. He would have two of his officers go to Oikawa's house and bring him in to the station, figuring it was high time he met just who it was going up against him.

* * *

"Could you two brutes stop manhandling me?!"

"What do ya think? Should we?"

"Sure, right about... now."

Oikawa was shoved into a chair, his hands still cuffed in front of him. He wasn't sure what was worse, being taken from his home in handcuffs, or his friends having waved nonchalantly to him as he was dragged away. Whipping his head to the side to glare at the two uniformed officers, he slammed his hands on the table. "What do you want from me, anyway!?" He asked, looking between the two.

"It's not about what _we_ want," said the one on the left, accompanied by an unenthusiastic expression. "It's about what our boss wants," he explained, pointing to the mirrored window which Oikawa assumed went one way. "And he wants _you_ on a silver platter."

"Not in the good way either," responded the other, as he started heading toward the door.

"Oh no," whispered Oikawa.

"Oh _yes_ ," returned the first officer.

Oikawa watched as the two walked out the door, and he desperately called out after them. "Wait! Give me your badge numbers so I can convict you as accessories to murder from beyond the grave!" He called after them knowing his death was imminent, because Oikawa knew exactly who they were talking about... it was Bokuto's supervisor, the one he always complained about being too terrifying for words.

Granted, he was also scared of the girl from The Ring, but this man was also the head detective who Oikawa had been showing up the last few months. He figured anyone would be upset with being made to look like a complete tool, and if he was as intimidating as Bokuto had described, Oikawa was a dead man. So he placed his head on the table in front of him, looping his hands around to the back of his head to avoid the metal chain on the cuffs.

He was attempting to mentally prepare himself for his inevitable death, but unfortunately the detective had other plans. Before Oikawa could relax, he heard the sound of the door to the interrogation room opening, and Oikawa refused to pick his head up off the table. He didn't want to look up and stare death in the face- he was too young to die.

"You're Oikawa Tooru, then?" He heard the voice ask, reverberating off the metal in his handcuffs due to the small room. There was an oddly pleasant feeling hidden in the man's voice, but Oikawa still refused to lift his head. Instead, he spread his arms out in front of him, griping the opposite end of the table.

"Y-Yes."

Hearing the door close, Oikawa listened as the sound of footsteps drew closer, and he felt a slight bump against the table. "So this is you?" Oikawa heard a quiet tap, followed by the sound of his own voice muffled from the call recording.

" _The police are idiots_!"

There were two more taps.

" _The police are idiots_!"

And again.

" _The police are-_ "

"-idiots," the voice finished, having shut off the recording of Oikawa's phone call. After muttering that in his defense, Oikawa _did_ catch criminals that the police managed to let slip through their fingers, the detective responded by pulling out the chair opposite Oikawa, and he listened to the drag of the seat across the ceramic floor. Oh, it drew out _so_ slowly for added effect, and Oikawa lifted his hands and clapped them together, praying he'd survive the ordeal.

"It's true," the cop admitted, "that you did apprehend suspects we could not. So my question is, exactly how are you doing it?" Hearing genuine curiosity in the officer's voice, Oikawa finally raised his head off the table to face his interviewer. He was sitting across from Oikawa, with one dark brow raised in question while his hands moved the recording device off to the side.

Oikawa only spared a quick glance to the name tag plastered across his broad chest which read "Iwaizumi," feeling his face heat up at how ridiculously handsome the man was. It wasn't that sort of conventional attractiveness that many people held, but Oikawa was nonetheless feeling his brain turn to mush as he retained eye contact with the man he'd been going head to head with the last few months. He only wished that the man had gotten annoyed with him sooner and had him brought in earlier.

His gaze slid down Iwizumi's face, from his jawline to his shoulders then his forearms, which were now crossed against his chest, and Oikawa could pick out each of the muscles and veins in his arms which was completely unfair because if Oikawa _had_ in fact been a criminal, he'd have already confessed in his distraction. And with his short, darkly spiked hair, Oikawa got a perfect look at those deep brown eyes that reminded him of the expansive tree lines in fall when the colors of the leaves began to change... And oh _God_ he was talking again and Oikawa hadn't noticed in his ogling.

"- so maybe I'm inclined to believe that you're somehow involved in those crimes."

"Huh?"

"How else would you know who the criminals are without ever stepping foot in the crime scenes?"

"Wha- I am _not_ a criminal! What a horrible accusation towards someone you just met!" Oikawa complained, mimicking Iwaizumi's position as he crossed his arms (as much as he could with hand cuffs on), quickly pulling his gaze away from the officer. "How do I know that _you're_ not the criminal? You've been at every crime scene, haven't you?" He watched as Iwaizumi's eyes squinted in Oikawa's direction, his nose scrunching just the slightest bit.

"... Are you an idiot?"

"Rude!"

Iwaizumi stood from his seat, and Oikawa noticed the light smile playing at his lips. He looked away once more as Iwaizumi circled the table, coming up from behind him and gripping the sides of his chair. Oikawa could feel the slightness of his breath on the back of his neck as he spoke. "Kenma told me you were smart," he said, and Oikawa flinched. He had talked to Kenma about him? That was probably not good, Oikawa thought, since Kenma could dig up anything on Oikawa he wanted. "But I don't think I've heard anything intelligent come out of your mouth since I walked in here."

Geez, the guy didn't know how to pull his punches, did he? Oikawa rubbed at the back of his neck awkwardly, wishing Iwaizumi wasn't standing so close to him. "Oh well, you know, Kenma's much smarter than I am. I've seen the guy beat expert levels in Super Monkey Ball with ease, it's scary, really." _Just like you_.

"So if you're not smart enough to solve the crimes, then you're really a part of them?"

"That's not what I said!"

"Then what? How did you manage to solve thirteen cases by yourself?"

"I-Intuition?"

"Intuition? I don't think so."

Agh, what was going to get him out of this mess?! Oikawa didn't want to be in there any longer than he already had, and Iwaizumi's presence behind him was really starting to get to him. He was intimidating and attractive and _imposing_ and that was a terrifying combination. "I," he started, hoping wiggle his way out with ridiculousness. "am a _psychic_."

For additional advertising purposes, he had picked the lock on his handcuffs with a bobby pin from his pocket, thankful he always carried them along in case he need to pin his hair back. He brought his hands up from his lap, and dangled the cuffs in front of him. Iwaizumi seemed like the type of person who projected a serious demeanor, so Oikawa decided to counter it with a joke.  _This is_ so _not going to work._

"A psychic?" Iwaizumi repeated.

_Hell no._

"Yep, I'm completely, one-hundred percent connected to the spiritual realm."

_He's not really buying it, is he?_

"A psychic," Iwaizumi stated once more, and Oikawa simply nodded. He hesitated a moment, the silence quickly becoming unbearably awkward far too fast. Why couldn't he just tell him the truth? _And what, just casually say I was kidding, and the real reason I can figure it all out is because I have a eidetic memory and really good observational skills?_ That would never work, who would think to believe it?! _But then who would believe I'm a psychic, that's even more ridiculous_.

_I'm an idiot._

As Oikawa continued his internal debate with himself, Iwaizumi hurriedly left the room.

* * *

"He's completely delusional."

"Huh... You know, I'm not so sure."

Iwaizumi gave Daichi an incredulous glare. Was he serious? This Oikawa guy claims he talks with spirits or whatever and _that's_ how he was solving crimes more efficiently than anyone else in the department, and Daichi wanted to jump on board? "Are you saying you believe him, Sawamura?" Iwaizumi questioned, but Daichi shrugged his shoulders.

"I doubt he's actually a _psychic_ , but you can't deny his results. And I know you don't think he was actually involved in the crimes," Daichi added, and Iwaizumi couldn't deny his words. It was true that he hadn't believed Oikawa was involved, but that didn't mean he wasn't curious as to how he was actually solving everything. He simply wanted to know what the guy's secret was.

Iwaizumi stared at Oikawa through the interrogation room window, watching as he played with the handcuffs on the table. "You can't hold me here!" He called, glancing toward the door. "Not without evidence!" Iwaizumi cocked his head to the side in confusion as Oikawa put his hands behind his back and willingly re-cuffed himself.

"What the hell is he doing?" He wondered allowed, but his puzzled look soon faded when he saw the bobby pin in Oikawa's hand, and he watched as Oikawa carefully started picking the lock behind his back, a bored expression taking hold on his face. Well, he certainly made for an interesting character, even if he did seem a bit childish.

"But he _is_ right. We're not charging him with anything, so he can leave anytime."

"Can we charge him with being an idiot?"

Daichi laughed, walking over to the interrogation room and opening the door. "You're free to go," he called, and Iwaizumi watched as Oikawa's face brightened. He scrambled up from his seat, and quickly headed for the door, stepping through just past Iwaizumi and Daichi.

"Well," he said, placing his hands on his hips. "It's been fun being harassed by you all, but I have a tv screen filled with sharks to get back to." He held out the handcuffs towards Iwaizumi for him to take, but when he reached for them, Oikawa latched one cuff to Iwaizumi's hand faster than he could react, and he attached the other to the handicap bar beneath the window.

Iwaizumi scowled, irritated at the fact he didn't have the key for them on him, since he'd given it to Matsukawa. He glared at Oikawa while he tugged on the bar, but Oikawa only smiled, sticking his tongue out at him. "Bye bye, Iwa-chan!" He called before racing down the hallway, laughing as Iwaizumi yelled after him. Iwa-chan? Oh, he was definitely delusional if he thought he could cuff Iwaizumi and not suffer any repercussions.

He directed his anger at Daichi when he heard his co-worker muffle a laugh. "This is going to be _fun_ ," he said, handing Iwaizumi a small key to unhook himself. Iwaizumi paused at that, glancing back up at his friend. He didn't like the tone of voice Daichi had taken.

"What is?"

* * *

Oikawa leaned forward in his chair to rest his head in his hand. He was bored out of his mind, and if he didn't find something soon to occupy his time, he was going to go risk going over to Kuroo's and drowning in cat fur. Sighing, he picked up the tv remote and started flipping through the channels. There were documentaries... cartoons... dramas... Nothing he was particularly interested in watching that moment.

It wasn't until a headline flashed on a news station that he finally settled on a channel. "Local Man Murdered In Hotel Room," it had said, so he flipped back to that station and listened to the news report. Apparently, a dead body was discovered in a nearby hotel, one that wasn't too far away from where Oikawa himself lived. He looked at the reporter, who was standing in front of the hotel room, giving out all the details the police had already released to the press.

Much to Oikawa's amusement, he noticed Iwaizumi in the background, talking to a very nervous looking Bokuto. He picked up his cell and called Kuroo, hoping he was slacking off that day and had skipped work.

" _Oikawa? What's up_?"

"Are you near a tv right now?"

" _Yeah, I'm playing a video game. Why_?"

"Turn on a news channel," he instructed, waiting a moment for Kuroo to respond. When he heard a small intake of breath followed by laughter on the other line, Oikawa smiled. "You seeing what I'm seeing?"

" _He looks like he's about to pass out, oh my God_."

"Is this his first crime scene?"

" _First dead body, I think_."

Oikawa paused in his laughing when he heard a quiet beeping coming from his phone. "Hold on, I got another call," he said, pulling the cell away from his face to connect to the new number, one that... shouldn't be calling him in that moment. "Bokuto?" He asked, looking back up at the screen. And sure enough, he saw Bokuto in the background, now holding a phone in his hand across from a disgruntled Iwaizumi.

" _Yeah! Dude, you'll never guess where I am right now_!"

"Well, my psychic powers are telling me... you're at a crime scene."

" _You're really psychic?! Why didn't you tell me_?!"

"Bo, you're on tv, look to your left," he said, and obeying his instructions, Bokuto turned his head, immediately smiling when he saw the camera crews. Once he began waving at the camera man, Iwaizumi slapped his hand out of the air, and said something Oikawa couldn't make out through the phone. "What was that, what did he say," Oikawa asked, watching as Bokuto dejectedly looked away from the news crew.

" _He says to hurry up and get on with it_."

"Get on with what?"

" _Well, the chief wants you to consult on this case_ -"

Oikawa immediately ended his call with Bokuto, going right back to his conversation with Kuroo. "Come pick me up, _right now_ ," Oikawa said, not bothering to let Kuroo question where they were going. He felt the excitement rise in his chest while he rushed to change out of his pajamas. The chief of police wanted him to actually consult on a crime scene?! He was going to be allowed to go in, look around, and solve the case like an actual detective without having to wear that stupid uniform or write reports?

Even better, he was going to get to annoy the hot detective while he did it.

* * *

"This is a trial period _only_ ," Iwaizumi said, enunciating each word as carefully as Oikawa figured he could. He could tell Iwaizumi was not at all happy with the arrangement, which only pleased him more. Oikawa gripped at the cross-body bag hanging at his shoulder while he stared Iwaizumi down.

"Yes sir!" He responded cheerfully, giving him a small salute.

"And... who's he?" He asked, gesturing to Kuroo who was engaged in conversation with Bokuto.

"My assistant! To uh, help channel the spiritual energy flowing around us," he bullshitted, hoping Iwaizumi would buy it just enough to allow Kuroo to pass. Honestly, he just wanted a familiar face with him... and he also wanted to test how far he could push Iwaizumi. But he was only given a tiny glare before he nodded towards the door, lifting up the crime scene tape for him and Kuroo to enter.

Oikawa glanced around the room, taking note of the wreckage surrounding him. The shelves of the dressers were knocked out, the victim's clothes scattered around the floor. Oikawa noticed a few framed pictures on top of the night stand, which he thought a bit peculiar considering they were in a hotel room. He stepped carefully around the bed, attempting to avoid the numbered evidence on the floor.

He only eyed Kuroo for a moment, who was obviously uncomfortable standing foot in a crime scene next to a dead body- which was what Oikawa focused on next. The man appeared to have been shot, three bullets used in all- one of which was lodged in the wall behind them. Either the murder used it as a warning shot or had terrible aim. Oikawa figured it was the latter, considering that the surrounding guests in the other rooms would have heard the gunshots almost immediately and called the police.

Interestingly enough, there was no blood trailing out the door, nor any hand prints or fingerprints yet found, according to the evidence that was already logged by the investigators. So the killer had most likely come prepared, and the murder was most likely pre-meditated. If it had been done in the spur of the moment, a much greater mess would have been left behind.

Oikawa's gaze was drawn to the man's left hand, where he noticed the small indent left behind from a ring on one of his fingers. "Was he married?" Oikawa asked, returning his attention to Iwaizumi, who'd apparently been watching him the entire time. His brow arched, and Oikawa put his hand flat against his chest, above his heart. "The uh, spirits are telling me he was very close to someone... emotionally... _sexually_ ," he added jokingly.

He saw Kuroo grin from behind Iwaizumi, intrigued as to how Oikawa was going to play the psychic angle. When he'd first told his friend about his lie at the department, Kuroo had just about choked to death on his food from laughter. Well, he'd like to tell him to shove it if he could pull off this farce.

"He was," Iwaizumi finally answered. "His wife's being contacted by my officers."

"And where was she when this went down?" Oikawa asked, placing his right hand to his forehead, and the other out in front of him, toward the body. "I'm sensing some... animosity between them... The air here, it's very thick and unhealthy for the mind," he said, trying as hard as he could to keep in his laughter. Everything spewing out of his mouth was ridiculous, so he'd act that way.

"She was at the sister's, according to Hanamaki," Iwaizumi stated. "The sister and the kids all said she was there the last two days, so her alibi checks out."

 _And family would never lie to protect one another_.

"I want to talk to her," Oikawa said. At the look Iwaizumi gave him, he placed his fingers against his forehead, bumping his glasses in the process. "I think talking to her will help me contact his spirit, to find out what happened to him. You know, since they had such a close connection."

He could tell Iwaizumi wasn't at all happy with the idea, but when he agreed to take them, he assumed that someone above his pay grade had ordered him to give Oikawa what he wants. Smirking, Oikawa patted Iwaizumi on the back, gesturing for Kuroo to follow. "Then let's head out Iwa-chan!"

"Don't call me that."

"How about Hajime?"

"How do you know- no, no way."

"Hajime- _kun_?"

" _No_."

"Iwa-chan it is."

"Oh my God."

Oikawa followed Iwaizumi out of the hotel room, with Kuroo and Bokuto on his heels. "So which one's yours?" Oikawa asked, and Iwaizumi let out a huff of laughter, saying that Oikawa wouldn't be riding with him in his car. Instead, he pointed him in the direction of the car Kuroo had driven them over in. "Aw, but I wanna ride with you! Since we're going to be working together from now on!"

He caught the eye roll Iwaizumi gave him, as he was reassured Oikawa was only there temporarily on a testing basis. "I think I'm going to grow on you, probably like mold. Preferably one that doesn't emit a nasty smell, but hey, beggars can't be choosers," he explained, but Iwaizumi only grunted as he headed toward his own car.

Kuroo caught him by the arm as they walked Bokuto to his cruiser. "Are you _sure_ you know what you're dong," he asked with a concerned expression. "It won't play out well for you if they find out you've been lying." Oikawa smiled, tapping Kuroo on the arm.

"Don't worry," he said. "They'll never find out."


	2. a diviner, not a blender

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oikawa solves a crime and iwaizumi wants nothing to do with it

Oikawa was reeling, because _holy shit_ how could anyone be going along with this? If he'd been told the day before he'd become a consultant for the police department while pretending to be psychic just for kicks, he'd have directed them toward Suga for a physical evaluation to see if they had a concussion. It was utterly ridiculous that not only had they allowed him to go to an actual crime scene, but they were currently sending him off to conduct an actual interview.

And it was all because Oikawa could do what most could not and recall images and sounds after having only seen or heard them once- courtesy of his eidetic memory. Upon realizing that his skill was incredibly rare, Oikawa had worked hard to help keep his observational skills in top shape. Combine that with intuition and common sense, and Oikawa could pass himself off as a psychic, when all he was really, _truly_ doing was analyzing each scene to its capacity and connecting the dots.

Although he'd solved a few crimes in the past few months, he'd never actually gone to the scenes themselves, and after finally having gone to one, Oikawa realized it was a bit more... traumatizing than he expected. And he'd drawn poor Kuroo into his farce, and the guy looked like he was about to puke from the sight they saw back in the hotel room.

But getting the time to relax before having to interview the wife allowed Kuroo to calm his nerves, as Oikawa saw. He was obviously holding in the shock at the scene, and now that he was out of the public eye he was letting himself react to the experience. "There uh... was a dead guy in there," Kuroo noted, and Oikawa nodded slowly as Kuroo kept his eyes on the road.

"Yep."

"So... that happened."

"Yes it did."

"... I'm gonna pull over."

"Good idea."

Kuroo pulled the car off to the side of the road, thankful it was deserted enough to not block traffic behind him. Oikawa opened the car door as soon as Kuroo placed the car in park, and the two quickly vacated the car, running to the grassy ditch to relieve their pained stomachs. "Oh that was so disgusting," Kuroo complained, bent over with his hands on his knees. "Did you see all that blood? It looked like someone dumped a pitcher of Kool-Aid on him."

"Without the tangy sweetness."

" _Nothing_ about that was sweet."

"Still..."

"It was pretty awesome."

"Right?!" Oikawa exclaimed, laughing as he finally righted himself. He glanced back toward the road, where he spotted Bokuto's cruiser curving off to park in front of Kuroo's vehicle. He watched as his friend exited his car, jogging over to where Oikawa and Kuroo were standing, one hand on his belt and the other on his sunglasses.

"What's up guys, why'd you stop?"

Oikawa choked back a laugh at seeing how pale Bokuto's face still was from being at his first murder scene, and seeing how hard he was trying to keep a straight face. "Well, Officer Bokuto, us simple citizens needed a moment to collect ourselves after seeing such a grueling display of human nature. One that I'm sure will haunt my dreams for at least a week."

Bokuto gave him a cocky grin, his eyes hidden behind his shades. "Ah, riiiight. I'm sure that was a shock for you guys to see! Being an officer myself, I've already gotten used to seeing that kinda stuff," he said, and Kuroo slapped him on the back, the corner of his mouth lifting upon seeing the playful glint in Oikawa's eyes.

"I know you have, buddy."

"... Why does it sound like you're teasing me?"

"We would never!" Oikawa cheered, pulling a cloth out of his pocket to wipe at his glasses. Kuroo's gaze narrowed on the frames in Oikawa's hands, and Oikawa shook a hand toward him. "Before you comment, yes these are purple frames, and yes I wore them to up the psychic antic. Don't judge me, Sylvester."

Kuroo placed a hand to his chest, a relaxed expression taking hold on his face. "I wouldn't," he said, before pointing back towards Bokuto's cruiser. "However, I do believe we should catch up with Bokuto's boss. He doesn't seem like the type to take lateness well." At that, Bokuto nodded furiously, pulling the keys to his car out of his back pocket.

Sighing, Oikawa wrapped one arm around Kuroo, and the other around Bokuto, careful not to hit the radio pinned to his shoulder. "Alright, alright," he muttered, urging them toward their cars. "We," Oikawa gestured between the three of them, "can do this."

* * *

 

"What the hell took you so long?"

"I apologize, Iwa-chan. Kuroo here saw a cat on the side of the road and made us pull over to try and pet it, but, funny story, it wasn't a cat it was a raccoon! It made off with my chips too, so if you could place an APB out on it that would be great. It was about yay high," he said, holding his hands out in front of him to scale the size of the fictional animal. "And it had these dark circles around it's eyes, and it kind of glares at you in a really menacing way... yeah, like that!"

Kuroo kneed Oikawa in the back of his leg upon seeing the glare Iwaizumi was shooting them all, but Oikawa simply continued smiling, perfectly content with throwing Kuroo under the bus with a ridiculous fabrication. "You are to be respectful," Iwaizumi stated, electing to ignore Oikawa's story. "Tread carefully in whatever... bullshit 'psychic' crap you do. Actually, just do nothing and let me ask all the questions. If you do anything to insult them you'll be-"

"- kicked out faster than it took for you to catch the wrong guy last week, right!"

Iwaizumi held up his hand as if he were about to protest, but Oikawa simply walked passed him. Kuroo followed suit, bumping shoulders with Iwaizumi as he caught up. "Are you sure you know what you're doing?" He asked, and Oikawa grinned, making his way into the living room where the wife and her sister were waiting.

"Do I ever?"

Ignoring both Kuroo and Oikawa, Iwaizumi pushed passed them to meet with the wife. "I'm detective Iwaizumi," he said, offering his hand to the grieving wife. While he went through the introductions, Oikawa looked around the room, seeing what he could pick up to stick with the psychic crap. What could he use? What did he see back in the hotel room, and what was he seeing now that would tell him what really happened?

But he was pulled from his thoughts when he heard Iwaizumi begin to introduce him, saying "And this here is-"

"The head psychic for the Tokyo Police Department," Oikawa interrupted, taking the wife's hand in his own.

"That's- you're not, he's not-" Iwaizumi started, wanting to deflect Oikawa's blatant lies.

Oikawa gestured to Kuroo beside him, placing a hand on his back. "This is my assistant, Tackey, and my name is Tsubasa." At that, Kuroo leaned into him, whispering into his ear and questioning why _he_ had to be Tackey.

"Because I've seen how many hideous cat shirts you own."

"Oh that's rich, coming from the guy with those ridiculous alien shirts!"

"Those are wonderful, thank you very much."

"Your ET one scares all the kids!"

"Which is insane! What's scary about ET, he's just a small guy who wants to ride bikes-" He ended, being elbowed in the side by Iwaizumi. The anger in his glare was enough to set Oikawa back on track, as he turned back to address the wife again. "We are so sorry for your loss," he added, remembering Iwaizumi's words about being respectful.

_Even if you're the one that killed him._

"Thank you," she said, holding a tissue up to dab at her eyes. "You... said you were a psychic?"

"Yes mam."

"So what, you turn on your powers and read futures or something?"

"Well I'm a diviner, not a blender," he said, and he placed one palm to his forehead, closing his eyes. "For example... I'm sensing that you own a dog, a retriever, maybe? And there's a cat, a small grey one..." _You have animal hair on you, grey on your feet and yellow on your knees_. "There's also... three children? Two boys and a girl?" _Your husband had a few_ _photos of them at the crime scene_.

"Wow, yes! That's amazing!"

Oikawa caught Iwaizumi's eye roll when he reopened his eyes, and he sent him a cocky grin. "But those are simple parlor tricks, I'm here to talk to your husband's spirit, to see what really happened to him." The wife paused at that, drawing her gaze from her sister and back to Oikawa.

"His spirit? He's here?"

"Why yes," Oikawa said, pulling a photo out of his back pocket. It was one he'd taken out of the crime scene, one that was ripped in half, now only showing the victims face on it. "Now, was there anyone who would want to hurt your husband? Any enemies? Did he steal cable from your neighbors, perhaps?"

The wife only shook her head, wiping at her eyes once more. "Really?" Oikawa asked rhetorically. He walked toward the nearest wall, one that was adorned with family photos, yet none of them featured the husband. "Any marital problems?"

"Oikawa," Iwaizumi muttered through gritted teeth- a warning to watch where he was stepping.

"What? No, no of course not!"

Plastering the photo in his hand to the wall, Oikawa gestured to the remaining framed photos. "He asks where all of the pictures of him are," he said, throwing his head back in a dramatic fashion. "If there weren't any problems, where are all the loving family photos?!" Oikawa exclaimed, one hand on the photo, and the other over his heart. "The answer: back at the crime scene."

He walked toward the wife, handing her the photo in his hand. "His life with you was scattered all over the floor of that hotel room, but why? Why would a man in a loving family be spending the week alone there in the first place? Oh, what's that?" Oikawa said, cupping one of his ears with his hand. He stepped off to the side, back to the wall of pictures.

"You were here? Before you- why yes, that was a good movie, but I don't see what it has to do with... Oh, I get it now," Oikawa teased, not being able to help exaggerating the psychic angle in front of Iwaizumi, who was currently probably internally debating whether to add another dead body to the day's agenda. "That was so very wrong of you, you know. Well no I'm not saying you deserved to be _murdered_ , but-"

"Oikawa," Kuroo butt in, nodding his head back toward the wife. "Maybe you should start telling us what he's saying?"

"You are very right, Tackey. See, this is why I need him! He keeps me anchored to the physical realm," Oikawa explained, turning his attention back to the group at the couch. The wife and sister were next to each other- the sister's hand on the wife's lap. Two of Iwaizumi's officers were standing behind them, with Iwaiumi himself across the room, opposite Oikawa. Bokuto had been standing by the door, remaining uncharacteristically silent, while Kuroo had occupied himself with petting the cat rubbing against his leg.

"The killer," Oikawa said, deciding it was high time to wrap it up. "Is you."

Scowling, the wife placed the photo on the table next to her. "What? I would never, he was my husband!"

"Exactly! He was your husband, your lover, the whole 'til death do us part' spiel. So then, why did he cheat on you?"

He heard Bokuto gasp from behind him, whispering "he _didn't_."

"Oh but he did, my monochromatic friend, and it was with her."

The sister immediately retracted her hand from her sister's leg, glaring up at Oikawa, much like how Iwaizumi was currently staring at him. "That's ridiculous! I would never do that to my sister!" _But you did. She recoils every time you reach for her hand, and like the husband, there are no photos of you around at all. So she was obviously upset with the two of you, and why? Judging from the way you're lying and covering for her, I'm guessing you're more than a little guilt ridden._

"Oikawa, enough with your stupid theories-" Started Iwaizumi, but Oikawa had crossed the room, covering his mouth with his hand.

"Don't be a rabid porcupine, Iwa-chan," he said, and Iwaizumi smacked his hand away. "The sister with the husband, the husband with the sister," he said, touching his two index fingers together. "The two of you, going behind her back. Shame on you," he scolded, circling around the couch until he was once again in front of his suspect. "You found out about him and kicked him out- which is why he was in the hotel room, with nothing but a few pictures of the family he ruined."

"You have no proof! I don't even own a gun!" She exclaimed, and Oikawa smiled.

"Who said he was killed with a gun?"

At that, Oikawa could see the doubt taking hold in Iwaizumi's eyes. None of them had mentioned how the husband was killed, yet the wife had known. "Your husband is going to show me the proof..." Oikawa looked down at the wife's hands, noticing the small red welt between the thumb and index finger and the dirt underneath her fingernails. Behind Iwaizumi's officers was the kitchen, and a potted plant rested on the counter, small specks of dirt surrounding the pot.

Oikawa held up his hand, sticking out his index finger and thumb to mimic the look of a gun. "You went to the hotel and pulled a gun on your poor, unsuspecting husband. You aimed the gun at him and _bang_!" He yelled, causing the wife to flinch. "You missed the first shot because the gun's kickback was more that you expected."

He rubbed the area between his fingers, where he'd seen the welt on the wife. "I'm sure there'd still be residue if you checked her hands, but there's physical proof in this house right this second," he said, snatching the picture of the husband off the table. "What's that?" He asked, holding it up to his ear. "She smokes pot? Well that's hardly relevant- Oh, no, I'm sorry I misunderstood. He says check the pot."

Gesturing to the pot on the counter, Iwaizumi studied him for a second before nodding toward his officers to do as he suggested. One held the pot while the other uprooted the plant, and after a little digging, he pulled a ring out of the dirt, holding it up for all to see. It was the wedding ring, missing off the husband's body at the crime scene. Obviously, she'd taken it off the body and hidden it when she'd gotten home, before the police showed up.

The look on her face gave Iwaizumi all he needed to accept her guilt, and he ordered his officers to take both her and the sister into custody for questioning. Oikawa immediately returned to Kuroo's side, and both looked at one another for a moment until they gripped each other's shoulders, jumping up and down in unison.

"Dude, we just solved a murder!"

"That was the coolest thing I've ever done!"

When Bokuto made to join them, Iwaizumi pulled him back. "Don't even think about it," he said, before grabbing Oikawa's arm and yanking him away from Kuroo. He gave him a studying gaze, before meeting back with his eyes. "Seriously," he muttered. "How'd you do it?"

Grinning, Oikawa placed a comforting hand to Iwaizumi's cheek. "I told you, Iwa-chan. I'm just connected to the spiritual realm on a deep level. Also, it's always the wife," he answered, receiving an annoyed glare and a slap to his arm. Oikawa called after him as he started heading out the door, asking if Iwaizumi would like a personal, private palm reading.

Iwaizumi flipped him off.

* * *

 

"I can't figure it out."

He was looking over the case files, trying to pinpoint exactly how Oikawa had solved the crime, and within what, two hours? Iwaizumi knew he'd pegged the wife as the murderer at the crime scene, but how? Looking over the crime scene photographs, there wasn't much there to go off of... Well, there was the missing ring and the photos, but was that really all Oikawa had needed?

"Maybe he really is psychic," suggested Daichi, who was reclining back in his chair, feet resting atop his desk.

"Yes, you're right. The only reasonable explanation is that he's communing with the dead," Iwaizumi joked, receiving a smirk from his friend. But there had to be something else, something that he was missing... Oikawa was, as reluctant as Iwaizumi was to admit it, a fairly intelligent individual. He'd only known Oikawa for a short time, but his analytical gaze didn't escape Iwaizumi's notice, no matter how many immature jokes Oikawa slapped on top of it.

The possibility of Oikawa _actually_ being psychic had never even entered the vicinity of Iwaizumi's thoughts, no matter how convinced everyone else around them were. There was definitely something else to Oikawa Tooru, and Iwaizumi wanted to know what it was.

"Yahoo, Iwa-chan!"

Just not in that moment.

Iwaizumi turned to see Oikawa standing at his desk, with Kuroo and Bokuto behind him. He was no longer wearing the gaudy purple reading glasses, having seemingly traded them in for contacts, if at all. But what drew Iwaizumi's attention was the hideous alien tee-shirt underneath the open black sweater. "What the hell are you wearing?" He asked, and he watched as Kuroo snickered behind his friend's back.

Oikawa flushed, glancing down at his shirt. "This is my favorite shirt," he said, pulling at the ends of it as a pout formed on his face. "It glows in the dark and it's really comfy and- wait, I don't have to explain my fashion sense to you!" He crossed his arms, the pout quickly fading as an irritating grin flashed across his face. "I'm just here to tell you I just got my check for doing your job."

Feeling the leash he had on his anger begin to tighten, Iwaizumi grimaced at Oikawa's words. "Well, I guess this means your work is done here, so I'm sorry to say we won't be seeing each other again." But Oikawa's smile only widened at his words, and Iwaizumi arched a brow.

"Fret not, Iwa-chan," he said, reaching behind himself to pull something out of his back pocket. It was a small, laminated card that he handed to Iwaizumi. Looking down at it, Iwaizumi's scowl only deepened when he read the bolded words etched into it, beneath a picture of a smiling Oikawa with his tongue sticking out of the corner of his mouth. It must have been taken that day, since in the picture he had on the same clothes he was currently wearing.

**Oikawa Tooru - 20/07**

**Psychic Consultant for the TPD**

**C LEVEL CLEARANCE**

Iwaizumi stared at it and Oikawa laughed, telling him that he'd have to flip it over to see the best part. When he did, he saw the back side of the card had written in a neat cursive font, the words " _ **If lost, return to Iwaizumi Hajime**_."

"You have got to be kidding me."

"No kidding involved whatsoever."

"This isn't happening."

"Oh, but it is."

Kuroo flashed his toward Iwaizumi, his already having been stuck on a lanyard around his neck.

**Kuroo Tetsurou - 17/11**

**Psychic Consultant's Consultant for the TPD**

**C LEVEL CLEARANCE**

And etched on the back it stated " _ **If lost, return to Sawamura Daichi**_."

Iwaizumi at least took solace in the fact that he wouldn't have to be responsible for both Oikawa and Kuroo. He showed the badge to Daichi, who instantly threw his hands up in the air. "That is- no, no that's not going to work, I don't even know the guy. Look, he's got some shifty eyes, he's definitely the cunning type and I'm not dealing with that."

"So you're my new keeper?" Kuroo asked, extending his hand out toward Daichi. "It's a pleasure to meet you," he said carefully when Daichi's hand met his. Iwaizumi watched the exchange with interest, thinking it odd that Daichi said Kuroo was the cunning type- since Daichi was as well.

"Oh, look at mine!"

"Bokuto, you already have a badge-"

"Yeah but Oikawa got me a new I.D."

Iwaizumi glanced at the one Bokuto handed to him.

**Bokuto Koutarou - 20/09**

**Officer / Psychic Consultant Consultant's Consultant for the TPB**

**B LEVEL CLEARANCE**

"That's just excessive," Iwaizumi muttered, flipping the card over to see that multiple names were given on who to return him to if lost- the four of them currently with Bokuto were listed, as well as the analyst, Kenma Kozume, the guy from forensics, Akaashi Keiji, and someone named Sugawara Koushi. Apparently, Bokuto needed many more handlers than the rest of them.

"Well, we really should be going," Oikawa said, gripping both Kuroo and Bokuto by their shoulders. "We're gonna go sign up to play in the department volleyball tournament next month," he explained, and Iwaizumi nearly spit out the sip of coffee he just took.

"You can't," he said. "You're not on our payroll."

"Aren't we though," Oikawa added with a wink. "We've already got permission from that chief of yours, so don't try to stop it." He paused in his herding of his friends to point at Iwaizumi. "Be prepared to get your butt kicked at your favorite sport, Iwa-chan!"

How the hell did he know that was his favorite sport?

"You realize we'll be on the same team, right?" Iwaizumi retorted, shooting a glance at Daichi. "We'll be playing the fire department, not each other." Upon the realization that he wouldn't be playing Iwaizumi in a match, Oikawa returned to pouting.

"Fine, then. I'll be the best setter you've ever played with, and you'll _never_ want to let me go."

With that, Oikawa grabbed his friends by the arm and dragged them down the hallway. Iwaizumi waited until they were out of sight to look back at Daichi who was smiling. "What's that look for?" He asked, but his friend simply lifted his shoulders.

"I don't know," he said. "I just think things are going to get very interesting around here."

Iwaizumi hoped not.


	3. level three jackassery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the one where monkeying around ends up being quite literal

"It's not happening."

"Iwaizumi-"

"With all due respect sir, I don't agree with this decision. He'll just get in the way."

"Well Ushijima doesn't see it like that."

Iwaizumi stared at his chief in shock. "Moniwa," he said quietly, breaking rank momentarily to express his profound dislike of the situation. "Why the hell does Ushijima want Oikawa to consult for us?" He watched as Moniwa shrugged, a bored expression taking hold.

"Something about him being 'a possible asset to the department,'" he explained, lowering the pitch of his voice while attempting to mimic the constant scowl on their supervisor's face. Iwaizumi resisted the urge to strangle Moniwa, since he would then go back to being the shortest high-ranking officer in the department. Even if he technically _was_ just filling in as chief while Ushijima was away, he was still higher in command than Iwaizumi.

It didn't hurt that Moniwa was one of the few people who gained Iwaizumi's respect, even before taking the spot of interim chief.

"Then I'll take it up with Ushijima. When does he get back?"

"He's still playing the big shot go between for the TPD and PSIA, so who knows?" Moniwa said, twirling a pen in his hand from behind a mountain of paperwork on his desk. "You'll just have to deal with it until you get a chance to speak with him- unless you want to try to get him on the phone." They both knew it was more likely for it to rain cats and dogs than to get through to Ushijima's line without hitting a voicemail. And now that he was working with the Public Security and Intelligence Agency, it was even harder to get in touch with him. Iwaizumi was always hit with his chief's stupid voicemail where he just stated his name before it beeped.

Iwaizumi leaned back in his chair and began massaging his temples. He was going to get a massive headache if he was forced to babysit Oikawa and his friend while doing _actual_ police work.

"There is some good news though," Moniwa added at the look upon Iwaizumi's face. "We don't have to bring him in unless you or I deem necessary. He only has to be called in if we've lost leads." Reaching into one of the giant piles of paper atop his desk, Moniwa pulled out a blue file folder with the name 'Oikawa Tooru' on it. He handed it to Iwaizumi before leaning back in his chair once more and narrowing his dark eyes on the papers he'd just given. "Although after looking at the file I asked Yamaguchi to put together, I have a feeling I'll be overruling your decision on him sometimes."

Iwaizumi recalled the freckled face of a skittish liaison before opening the folder. Within it was the full background of Oikawa that Kenma had said wasn't necessary to retrieve, as well as transcripts of all the tips he'd made that led to arrests. He scanned through a few of the conversations between Oikawa and the dispatchers and suppressed the sudden appreciation he had for Oikawa's snark.

'Now I don't know why she killed the both of them, but if I had to guess... I'd say it was for symmetry.'

'How I got the information about the case shouldn't concern you, just the check you're going to have to write to me for my services.'

'These calls are recorded, so make sure this conversation gets to the head detective. Tell him I'll be waiting for my consultation check.'

The thing that pissed Iwaizumi off was that Oikawa sounded so damn _sure_ of himself in every case. Of course, he did end up being right every time...

"Let me ask you something," Moniwa continued, stealing Iwaizumi's gaze from the papers in his lap. "Is it the fact he's solving crimes you haven't that's upsetting you, or..."

"What?"

"Or because you don't know how he's doing it?"

* * *

After lacing the side of the coffee cup with the clear solution, Oikawa deemed it worthy enough to be given to his adversary.

Or his frenemy, as Kuroo named him.

Iwaizumi had already expressed his great delight in working with Oikawa many many times with that upside down smile of his. Really, he needed to learn how to flip that right side up. Then again Oikawa wasn't sure he'd be able to handle such a look on the detective. The one cocky grin Oikawa had seen just about knocked him off his feet and flat on his ass. He figured it'd be difficult working with someone who only had to cross his arms over his chest to make Oikawa swoon, but it was a risk he was willing to take for the safety of the citizens of Tokyo.

Iwaizumi's force was just one of the many stations under the control of the Tokyo Metropolitan Police Department, and thankfully Oikawa was already familiar with a few of it's employees.

There was Kenma Kozume, who was Kuroo's childhood friend and the technical and intelligence analyst for that particular station.

And there was Akaashi Keiji from the forensics unit, an ex-teammate of Bokuto's from college who was more than familiar with Oikawa, Bokuto, and Kuroo's usual antics.

Oikawa was even becoming friendly with some of Iwaizumi's underlings- Matsukawa Issei and Hanamaki Takahiro. As it turned out, they were just as engrossed in making Iwaizumi's life a bit more... _interesting_ as Oikawa was. "You know, he'd probably be more accepting of you if you didn't pull shit like this," Matsukawa offered, gesturing toward the cup Oikawa was holding. "It's only going to annoy him more."

"And _you_ know you totally love me messing with him," Oikawa responded confidently. If there was one thing he refused to miss out on, it was a chance to tease one Iwaizumi Hajime. And that wasn't even to say that Oikawa disliked the stoic detective- quite the opposite, actually. If Oikawa was going so far to fuck with someone it was a sign that they were held in high regard, at least according to Kuroo. And Iwaizumi just made it so easy with how little it took to rile him up.

The complaints lasted a week after Oikawa had handcuffed him to the handicap bar beneath the interrogation room window.

And their little games had already become Oikawa's biggest source of entertainment since he'd started working as a consultant for the department two weeks prior. So far he'd only solved the one murder and a case involving stolen computer chips, but he found himself at the station more days than not. He knew Iwaizumi was determined not to use his help in any cases he received, so Oikawa was going to have to assert himself more- get friendly with the other employees, build up a reputation, maybe crash a crime scene or two...

"Why am I not surprised to see you here? _Again_."

Oikawa spun on his heel at the deeply penetrating sound of Iwaizumi's voice. He could listen to the cop talk all day- maybe he should be on the radio? "Iwa-chan!" Oikawa chirped, stoping his train of thought before it went too far off the rails. "I'm just here to pick up Kenma. We're going spelunking- or was it skinny dipping?"

"Where the hell would you go spelunking around here?" Iwaizumi asked, his eyes scanning over the aliens that were scattered across Oikawa'a shirt. He knew Iwaizumi wanted to ask what was with his alien fascination, but being who he was there was no way he'd give Oikawa any indication he was interested in learning more about him.

"Ah-ah-ah, don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to," Oikawa answered, watching as Iwaizumi sat down at his desk. He could hear Hanamaki and Matsukawa shuffling around behind him, probably running off before Iwaizumi blew a fuse at Oikawa's prank. He was about to hand him the perfectly made cup of coffee before he caught sight of the file folder in Iwaizumi's hand. "What's that?" He questioned, curiosity evident in his tone.

Iwaizumi allowed the slightest hint of a smile as he flipped the file open, laying it out for Oikawa to see. "It's everything we have on you," he responded. Something about the smug about the way he said it caused Oikawa to try and skim through what papers he could see. There was the information from his ID, his educational transcripts, the conversations he'd had with the dispatchers...

"The indictment," Oikawa said carefully.

"The indictment," Iwaizumi confirmed. He tapped his finger once, twice on the paper as he smirked at Oikawa. "Drunken laser tag, huh? Didn't peg you for the type."

Oikawa shrugged, not particularly ashamed of his past. "It was college and we were celebrating being free from finals, what can you do?"

"Still, destruction of property isn't really a way to celebrate..."

He narrowed his eyes at Iwaizumi as something clicked in the back of his mind. Pointing one finger at Iwaizumi while his other hand rested on his forehead, Oikawa decided to use his psychic powers once more. "Wait, I'm sensing something here... You don't actually know what happened that night, do you?" He asked, watching as Iwaizumi's face fell.

Since Oikawa had profusely apologized and paid for the damages after sobering up, the record was completely erased. Only a hacker like Kenma or a judge with a court order would be able to find it, and Oikawa knew Kenma wouldn't unseal the file. There was no order either, so it meant that Iwaizumi knew nothing about it...

"Your psychic powers huh?"

"Indeed. They're telling me that you don't know the details, but you really want to. Sorry Iwa-chan, no matter how much I like you, it's a trade secret. Although I _will_ tell you a goat was involved."

"A trade- what, you have a whole little group of psychics or something?"

"Don't be ridiculous. We're a _club_ and we meet on Wednesdays. I bake the cookies," Oikawa teased, glancing up at the clock on the far wall. Kenma's shift had ended five minutes ago and he was no doubt waiting annoyed in his office for Oikawa to show up. "But alas, it's time for me to leave you. Oh! But take this before I go," he said, holding the coffee mug out toward Iwaizumi. The heat of his stung his hand a bit since he wasn't holding it by the handle.

Iwaizumi eyed the mug suspiciously. "What did you do to it?"

Oikawa feigned offense, placing his free hand over his heart. "What a rude thing to say! I've made you this from the kindness of my heart!"

"Salt instead of sugar, maybe?"

"A hint of sugar and a drop of creamer, for your information," Oikawa corrected. "Although I might as well have put nothing in it! It's practically black! I didn't spit in it either, before you ask- that's disgusting. I'd take a polygraph but I don't really have the time so I'll just say that I haven't done anything to your coffee!" The best part of Oikawa's words were that he _didn't_ do anything to the coffee! He got to mess with Iwaizumi _and_ tell the truth, what a wonderful day.

He examined Iwaizumi's face as he decided whether to take Oikawa's word or not. Eventually, he grabbed the handle and muttered his thanks after taking a sip and realizing that it was in fact, a perfect cup of coffee. Oikawa figured he was wondering just how Oikawa knew how he liked his coffee, but there was no time to talk to Iwaizumi any further- unless he wanted to be put in a jail cell for gluing the department's head detective's hand to a coffee mug.

Oikawa was already out of Iwaizumi's sight and down the hall toward Kenma's room when he heard Iwaizumi calling him a jackass.

* * *

"Are you bored?" Kuroo asked, not once looking up from whatever equations he was scribbling in his notebook. His legs were braced against the armrest of the couch while his knees bent upward so he could use his thighs as a surface to put his notebook on. Oikawa shifted under the weight of Kuroo's head on his lap, eyeing the paper Kuroo was writing on.

"I'm not," Oikawa answered bitterly.

"You're channel flipping."

He stopped on some news station. "No, I'm not."

"You keep tapping your fingers against the end table," Kuroo responded in a tired voice.

Oikawa clicked his tongue as he flicked Kuroo in the back of the head. "Hey, I'm the psychic here. Are you after my job?"

"You mean _our_ job, I'm your precious little assistant, remember?" Kuroo teased, turning his attention back to his notebook. There were equations and chemical symbols and bunch of other crap Oikawa couldn't care less about. "Is Bokuto done yet? He was supposed to be here by now..."

"He probably just got drawn into something stupid... or he's hanging out with Akaashi. I think he's working the late shift tonight," Oikawa answered. He tried to reposition himself on the couch but no matter what way he turned he was still uncomfortable.

It was the boredom, he figured.

He hadn't been called in on any recent cases, and Iwaizumi even scolded him for hanging around he department! Or it was because of all the pranks, but either way it would be hard to go back without a reason. So Oikawa had been reduced to hanging around his apartment, waiting for a call that would apparently never come-

"Tooru!"

Oikawa jumped at the suddenness of Kuroo's voice.

"Your cell's ringing," he continued, handing Oikawa his cellphone from over his shoulder. Oikawa flicked him again for scaring him but took the phone from his hand.

"Hello?"

"Oikawa? Is that you?"

It took Oikawa a few seconds to recognize the voice on the other line. "Sawamura?" He responded, a half statement, half question. Kuroo stirred from his position on Oikawa's lap as he sat up, obviously intrigued as to why Daichi was calling Oikawa. It either meant one of two things: either Bokuto really was off doing something stupid, or...

"Are you calling us in on a case?"

He heard Daichi cough on the other line. "Um... sort of? Iwaizumi's been trying to talk Moniwa out of it, but... this one's a bit... odd." Oikawa arched a brow at the hesitation in Daichi's voice.

"Odd?" He repeated, wondering just what was considered odd by a bunch of cops. "What's so weird about it?"

"You might just want to come down here and see for yourself."

* * *

Kuroo had barely gotten out of his car by the time Oikawa was already at the police barricade in front of the mansion. "Tell me again why I didn't have time to change out of my work clothes?" Kuroo questioned as he had to jog to catch up to Oikawa. They flashed their consultant IDs to the officer on the other side of the tape before he waved them over.

"Because," Oikawa said, ducking under the tape. "Sawamura said it was weird."

"Again, why couldn't I change? I smell like disinfectant."

"Maybe you should have thought about that when you first got back instead of lying on the couch," Oikawa countered, sparring Kuroo no sympathy. It wasn't like his clothes were uncomfortable anyway. He led Kuroo up the steps to the front door of the mansion and Oikawa couldn't help but wonder just who lived in a place as big as that. When they walked inside they were met by a white marble foyer and about a million different pathways further into the house.

Oikawa decided to follow the line of cops leading to the left. He and Kuroo traveled through about five different hallways until they finally spotted Iwaizumi and Daichi, locked in conversation in the corner of a room filled wall to wall with vinyls and cds. Oikawa smiled as he approached Iwaizumi, his grin only widening when he saw the pained expression cross the other's face.

"Don't give me that face, I know you love me."

"In what universe do I love you, exactly?" Iwaizumi retorted, already annoyed by Oikawa's presence.

"This one for starters," Oikawa answered happily. "Also many others if you believe in the multiverse theory. Who knows, we could be deeply in love with one another in an alternate universe."

"I wouldn't love someone who _glued my hand to a mug_!"

"Oh sweet sweet Iwa-chan, that was only like a level three! I can pick it up if you-"

"What the hell are _you_ wearing?" Daichi interrupted, his eyes scanning over Kuroo's appearance. Assuming that Daichi wasn't talking about Kuroo's trademarked disheveled hair, Oikawa assumed Daichi didn't know what Kuroo did for a living. Which was interesting, considering they'd done their homework on Oikawa.

"Oikawa didn't let me change out of my work clothes," Kuroo responded before glancing down at his wrinkled red and black scrubs with a sigh. "I wanted to at least change the shirt but Tooru here was too eager to let me. He's a terrible friend."

"Say that next time you break into my house."

"I don't break in, I know where your key is."

"It's still breaking and entering! I swear I'm going to-"

"No," Iwaizumi said, breaking off Oikawa's rant. He gave Oikawa a look that said we'll finish _our_ conversation later. "He means _why_ he's wearing them. What exactly do you do?"

Kuroo shrugged. "I dabble in neuropharmacology. Sometimes behavioral, sometimes molecular," he said, receiving disbelieving stares from Daichi and Iwaizumi. After taking a moment to shake off the realization that Kuroo, the guy who made cakes in an easy-bake oven, was actually a highly intelligent individual, Daichi asked a simple question.

" _Why_."

"I like figuring out what makes people tick."

"Of course you do," Iwaizumi sighed, running a tired hand through his hair. He had bags under his eyes and looked as though he was just entering a third straight shift, but Oikawa still thought he looked absolutely gorgeous. Especially with the lack of a jacket since Oikawa had a nice view of Iwaizumi's white button-up and gun holsters, _and were those handcuffs in his belt loop_ -

"Anyway, the chief was hoping that you could provide some insight into what happened here," Daichi explained, pointing the small room behind him and Iwaizumi. Oikawa mentally berated himself for losing his focus again and he clapped his hands together.

"It's okay Sawamura, you can admit Iwa-chan wanted to see me."

"Like _hell_ I did you-"

"Sh, Iwa-chan please. I can't talk to the spirits with your shouting," Oikawa said, stepping passed Iwaizumi with Kuroo on his heel. He noticed an electronic keypad next do the doorway as he stepped into what he quickly realized was a panic room. There was a twin bed in the corner, across from the toilet which was unsanitarily placed next to a fridge, which was across from storage cabinets.

In the middle of the room was the dead body- an older man with gray hair lying face down on the floor, a pool of blood surrounding his head. Oikawa noticed a bullet hole in the side of the man's head, but before he could bend down to get a better look-

"We already have the shooter in custody."

Oikawa turned back around to stare at Iwaizumi. "You _what_? Then why am I here?" Why did they need Oikawa to tell them what they already knew?

"Because... well... there's extenuating circumstances," Daichi managed to say, seemingly unsure of how to answer. Oikawa arched a brow as he exited the room to stand by Iwaizumi's side.

"I don't understand," Kuroo said, shooting Daichi an understandably confused look.

"Bokuto! Can you bring in the suspect?!" Iwaizumi called, and Oikawa waited to see the usual spiky head of hair walked through the doorway he and Kuroo had entered from. He heard Bokuto's voice distantly yelling an "okay!," and Oikawa leaned in toward Iwaizumi.

"Iwa-chan, what's going on here?" He asked quietly. But Iwaizumi remained silent, probably assuming the suspect would answer any questions Oikawa had about the case. Oikawa looked back at the doorway just as Bokuto entered the room with the... suspect?

Oikawa looked between Iwaizumi and Bokuto, to Kuroo and Daichi, and then back at the approaching form of the suspect. It wasn't until they were standing only a few feet apart that anyone spoke. "I... don't understand," Kuroo repeated, sounding as confused as Oikawa felt. Because holding Bokuto's hand and standing at about three feet high...

Was a chimpanzee.

A black haired ape was holding onto Bokuto's hand and pursing its lips at Oikawa. "That's the suspect," Daichi said with an exasperated tone. "The alarm for the house went off, and the first responders cleared the house and made their way to the panic room."

"And when they got in the room," Iwaizumi continued. "The victim was shot dead, and holding the gun was the monkey."

"It's actually an ape," Kuroo corrected, getting a smack in the arm from Daichi. Oikawa looked between Iwaizumi and the animal, still trying to process everything that he had heard.

"Oh my god," Oikawa whispered. "You arrested Curious George."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> apparently i went into hibernation after writing the first two chapters bc DAMN ITS BEEN A YEAR IM SO SORRY IM TRYING TO PICK THIS BACK UP THO I PROMISE AND I LOVE ANY OF YOU AMAZING PEOPLE THAT READ THIS LAST YEAR AND COME BACK ANYWAY 
> 
> but im tying to get everyone in character while simultaneously keeping that lighthearted weirdly amazing humor psych had and it's honestly kinda hard lmao
> 
> ur probably thinking this fic took a weird turn... and it definitely did but blame the show i was watching while writing this bc i stole the crime scene from it
> 
> but after this is probs gonna be the volleyball match and some iwaoi bonding so we'll be done with the crazy soon!!


End file.
